Week 9: Make it Stop!

Every day I am ill.

Every day I feel as though I’m going to vomit yet never do. It’s a sick little game my body plays with me, day after nauseous day. No climactic projectile finish, no seeming end in sight. To actually puke would serve as an ending, at least for that day. But noooooooooooo……no pukey for me. Just illness. Just three more weeks of illness.

I was in the grocery store yesterday, selecting fresh produce like a good mommy, when a wave of nausea hit me so hard I thought I would lose the contents of my stomach right then and there. The bathroom was clear on the other side of the store and I thought “I’ll have to run! I’ll have to drop my basket and run, and I’ll never make it, I’ll throw up on a little old woman, and that’s when I’ll start crying.”

None of which took place. The wave passed. I made it out of there with my dignity intact.

I went searching for remedies on-line and just when I thought I couldn’t possibly feel more queasy some fantastic internet contributor offered up the following suggestion:

“For nausea, mix jello. Do not let it jell. Drink it warm!”

Moving on from the plain disgusting I found out and out straw-grasping…….or “tongue-grasping” rather.

“Grasp your tongue using a dry, clean cloth and pull it straight out, until it feels quite strained and uncomfortable, then hold it for 30 seconds. Feels weird, looks even weirder, but heck – it’s worth a try!”

To some jerk attempting to cash in on my misery and sell me magic anti-vomit beans.

“Here is How My Natural, Safe Technique Works to End Your Morning Sickness, Quickly and Permanently 100% Guaranteed Results or you pay nothing!”


Ultimately I’ve been told Ginger (tea, ale, etc.) and good old fashioned saltine crackers work wonders. And sweet, sweet lawdy do I need wonders. I need to not feel like my very soul is being sucked out of me. I need the man I married to go to the store.

I need a nap.