Ginger Ale and crackers……it’s okay. Not the miracle I was looking for. I’m sleeping about 13 hours a day, on and off. I’m still feeling like crap for the other 11 hours. When I’m not feeling like crap I’m just tired, and when I’m not tired it’s because I am sleeping again.
THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!
My dear friends Ryan and Jill are getting married this weekend and I’m flying to Seattle to be in the wedding.
I’m Ryan’s best man, or best WOOman. And I was so excited about this for so long. It’s obviously a completely awesome title for anyone with lady parts, but also a huge honor. I met Ryan a little over 10 years ago. He was my ex-husband’s best friend. Ryan is the only other person that truly understood the pain involved in watching my ex slowly disintegrate. We were told the same lies, we shed the same tears, we harbored the same anger. It’s like we’re war buddies. It cemented our friendship. And now, a decade later, I get to be his best(woo)man. It’s wonderful.
I’m wearing a halter tuxedo top, a long black skirt (with tuxedo stripes down the sides and a slit up the back) and what was described as an 80s Vintage Punk Tuxedo Jacket.
It’s all wonderful, expect that I feel like POOP.
With the energy of zilcho I will travel, see friends and family, dress up, doll up my daughter to be their flower girl, take part in the ceremony of two people I dearly love, give a speech, and eventually…..if I’m lucky….. come home and pass out.
But if I can manage not to look exhausted in the photographs I’ll be doing okay.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Week 9: Make it Stop!
Every day I am ill.
Every day I feel as though I’m going to vomit yet never do. It’s a sick little game my body plays with me, day after nauseous day. No climactic projectile finish, no seeming end in sight. To actually puke would serve as an ending, at least for that day. But noooooooooooo……no pukey for me. Just illness. Just three more weeks of illness.
I was in the grocery store yesterday, selecting fresh produce like a good mommy, when a wave of nausea hit me so hard I thought I would lose the contents of my stomach right then and there. The bathroom was clear on the other side of the store and I thought “I’ll have to run! I’ll have to drop my basket and run, and I’ll never make it, I’ll throw up on a little old woman, and that’s when I’ll start crying.”
None of which took place. The wave passed. I made it out of there with my dignity intact.
I went searching for remedies on-line and just when I thought I couldn’t possibly feel more queasy some fantastic internet contributor offered up the following suggestion:
“For nausea, mix jello. Do not let it jell. Drink it warm!”
Moving on from the plain disgusting I found out and out straw-grasping…….or “tongue-grasping” rather.
“Grasp your tongue using a dry, clean cloth and pull it straight out, until it feels quite strained and uncomfortable, then hold it for 30 seconds. Feels weird, looks even weirder, but heck – it’s worth a try!”
To some jerk attempting to cash in on my misery and sell me magic anti-vomit beans.
“Here is How My Natural, Safe Technique Works to End Your Morning Sickness, Quickly and Permanently 100% Guaranteed Results or you pay nothing!”
Ultimately I’ve been told Ginger (tea, ale, etc.) and good old fashioned saltine crackers work wonders. And sweet, sweet lawdy do I need wonders. I need to not feel like my very soul is being sucked out of me. I need the man I married to go to the store.
I need a nap.
Every day I feel as though I’m going to vomit yet never do. It’s a sick little game my body plays with me, day after nauseous day. No climactic projectile finish, no seeming end in sight. To actually puke would serve as an ending, at least for that day. But noooooooooooo……no pukey for me. Just illness. Just three more weeks of illness.
I was in the grocery store yesterday, selecting fresh produce like a good mommy, when a wave of nausea hit me so hard I thought I would lose the contents of my stomach right then and there. The bathroom was clear on the other side of the store and I thought “I’ll have to run! I’ll have to drop my basket and run, and I’ll never make it, I’ll throw up on a little old woman, and that’s when I’ll start crying.”
None of which took place. The wave passed. I made it out of there with my dignity intact.
I went searching for remedies on-line and just when I thought I couldn’t possibly feel more queasy some fantastic internet contributor offered up the following suggestion:
“For nausea, mix jello. Do not let it jell. Drink it warm!”
Moving on from the plain disgusting I found out and out straw-grasping…….or “tongue-grasping” rather.
“Grasp your tongue using a dry, clean cloth and pull it straight out, until it feels quite strained and uncomfortable, then hold it for 30 seconds. Feels weird, looks even weirder, but heck – it’s worth a try!”
To some jerk attempting to cash in on my misery and sell me magic anti-vomit beans.
“Here is How My Natural, Safe Technique Works to End Your Morning Sickness, Quickly and Permanently 100% Guaranteed Results or you pay nothing!”
Ultimately I’ve been told Ginger (tea, ale, etc.) and good old fashioned saltine crackers work wonders. And sweet, sweet lawdy do I need wonders. I need to not feel like my very soul is being sucked out of me. I need the man I married to go to the store.
I need a nap.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Discovery
The story goes……… the first P test gave me a faint plus sign, and I was kind of hoping it was defective.
I went back to the drug store and bought the EPT test. Now let me tell you what's great about EPT, there's no f*cking around. It’s digital and reads "not pregnant" or "pregnant". Pretty straightforward. Fairly difficult to lie to yourself after reading the results.
Mine read "pregnant"
After test number two I figured it was time to fess up to Scott. No tears or sobbing from him, no "oh sh*t" or anything of the sort. He'd been told at a very young age that, due to a medical procedure undergone in that region of his body, he may never have children.
You might say he was elated.......
And so I took a photo of my waistline.......... a farewell tribute.
Dear Waistline,
First off, I'm sorry I got really fat last year.
Whoops.
I know I just lost the 25 lbs I threw on you in 2007 and you and I were once more enjoying the company of cute clothes. I know this. I know bikini weather is back. I know. I'm well aware and I'm so truly sorry.
But I'll see you again.
That is a promise.
Let's make a date for this time next year......May 2009......
2009......Oh Lord........I have to go now, I'm liable to cry. Little emotional these days....ya' know?
Please forgive me, dear Waistline.....please find it within your 20 'sum odd' inches to forgive me.
-Nik
I went back to the drug store and bought the EPT test. Now let me tell you what's great about EPT, there's no f*cking around. It’s digital and reads "not pregnant" or "pregnant". Pretty straightforward. Fairly difficult to lie to yourself after reading the results.
Mine read "pregnant"
After test number two I figured it was time to fess up to Scott. No tears or sobbing from him, no "oh sh*t" or anything of the sort. He'd been told at a very young age that, due to a medical procedure undergone in that region of his body, he may never have children.
You might say he was elated.......
And so I took a photo of my waistline.......... a farewell tribute.
Dear Waistline,
First off, I'm sorry I got really fat last year.
Whoops.
I know I just lost the 25 lbs I threw on you in 2007 and you and I were once more enjoying the company of cute clothes. I know this. I know bikini weather is back. I know. I'm well aware and I'm so truly sorry.
But I'll see you again.
That is a promise.
Let's make a date for this time next year......May 2009......
2009......Oh Lord........I have to go now, I'm liable to cry. Little emotional these days....ya' know?
Please forgive me, dear Waistline.....please find it within your 20 'sum odd' inches to forgive me.
-Nik
Thursday, May 1, 2008
The Blogger
While stumbling through this site and finding other expectant mother blogs one of the first I came across was this http://babycadeau.blogspot.com/. Written by a seemingly lovely lady it chronicles about 8 months of pregnancy and ends in the death of her infant.
OH GOD!
I wanted to chronicle this pregnancy because I remember so little of my last. And if the content was dull or I lost interest there’s always the magic “delete” button.
But now…….oh god.
I don’t want to think about it. I just worked with a woman who recently lost her 4 month old to SIDS. She was not quite right in the head and it may be a long time before she ever will be.
For all my complaints at the beginning of this, I do want the baby.……..please, dear God, let the baby be well.
OH GOD!
I wanted to chronicle this pregnancy because I remember so little of my last. And if the content was dull or I lost interest there’s always the magic “delete” button.
But now…….oh god.
I don’t want to think about it. I just worked with a woman who recently lost her 4 month old to SIDS. She was not quite right in the head and it may be a long time before she ever will be.
For all my complaints at the beginning of this, I do want the baby.……..please, dear God, let the baby be well.
Happy-Shmappy Pregnancy Test Commercials
Just once in my life I would’ve liked to have taken a pregnancy test and not have it’s positive results followed by “oh sh*t” and sobbing.
Just once.
EPT and/or First Response commercials are thoroughly irritating. The “yay-we’re-pregnant-this-is-what-we’ve-always-wanted-god-bless-us-everyone” commercials. Ask most any regular woman and that was NOT their reaction to a positive pregnancy test. I have absolutely no statistics on this, yet I’m going to bet you a gazillion dollars that the majority of pregnancies on this here planet earth are of the unplanned variety.
A friend of mine tried fervently for 5 years to have children. Her struggle brought her miscarriage after miscarriage, disappointment and heartache. I became pregnant before she did and I felt so guilty. Here she was trying so very hard, she and her husband were seriously considering spending tens of thousands on fertility options, they had a house full of storage bins with baby clothes, shoes and toys she’d bought over the years……..and there I was with a “whoops” baby, and nothing else.
Very gently I relayed to her a fact that resonates as absolute truth in my soul. Children do not happen on YOUR time, they happen on God’s time. Or the cosmos time. Whichever way you like to think of it.
My friend finally conceived a few years after I did and had a healthy baby girl. 3 years after that she gave birth again, this time to twins. Within 3 years time she gained 3 children. Is she happy? Oh…um…..sure she is. Like a freaking EPT commercial. Except that I think if she woke up tomorrow and found herself holding a positive pregnancy test it would be followed by expletives and tears.
And that’s what I would like to see…….just once…….expletives and tears in just one of those pregnancy test commercials.
How great would that be? The scene opens up on a woman in a white tiled bathroom, staring down at a stick with a plus sign on it, and her only line is…..
……. “SON OF A BITCH!”
Just once.
EPT and/or First Response commercials are thoroughly irritating. The “yay-we’re-pregnant-this-is-what-we’ve-always-wanted-god-bless-us-everyone” commercials. Ask most any regular woman and that was NOT their reaction to a positive pregnancy test. I have absolutely no statistics on this, yet I’m going to bet you a gazillion dollars that the majority of pregnancies on this here planet earth are of the unplanned variety.
A friend of mine tried fervently for 5 years to have children. Her struggle brought her miscarriage after miscarriage, disappointment and heartache. I became pregnant before she did and I felt so guilty. Here she was trying so very hard, she and her husband were seriously considering spending tens of thousands on fertility options, they had a house full of storage bins with baby clothes, shoes and toys she’d bought over the years……..and there I was with a “whoops” baby, and nothing else.
Very gently I relayed to her a fact that resonates as absolute truth in my soul. Children do not happen on YOUR time, they happen on God’s time. Or the cosmos time. Whichever way you like to think of it.
My friend finally conceived a few years after I did and had a healthy baby girl. 3 years after that she gave birth again, this time to twins. Within 3 years time she gained 3 children. Is she happy? Oh…um…..sure she is. Like a freaking EPT commercial. Except that I think if she woke up tomorrow and found herself holding a positive pregnancy test it would be followed by expletives and tears.
And that’s what I would like to see…….just once…….expletives and tears in just one of those pregnancy test commercials.
How great would that be? The scene opens up on a woman in a white tiled bathroom, staring down at a stick with a plus sign on it, and her only line is…..
……. “SON OF A BITCH!”
A History
Many moons ago I was alone. And that was okay.
I’m an only child and I do just fine by myself.
Exactly this time 7 years ago I found out I was pregnant. I was 23 going on 24, newly married and completely terrified. Our “little blessing” was not planned. We weren’t going to have children until we were in our 30’s. HA!
Everything sort of went to downhill after that, mostly details involving my husband’s morality and sobriety. It was somewhat hellish. We eventually divorced. I got on my own two wobbly feet and raised my daughter without aid of government assistance or that helpful little thing they call child support.
We were doing just fine…..by ourselves.
I hadn’t planned on anyone else in the picture. I was not sour on men and I refused to blame others for the mistakes of my ex but I grew up with a rotten step-father. I had so desperately tried to give my daughter a “normal” family, and when I failed at that I worried that her life would mirror mine.
We were doing just fine by ourselves… when Scott came along.
My daughter was 3 when I began dating, and those dates of mine were never allowed to meet her. I didn’t want to be the mom with all the boyfriends, no thanks. So when I met Scott, and determined within our first evening together that I would NEVER sleep with this man (for all the D-R-A-M-A in his life at the time) I deemed him a friend and thus he met my baby Maddy.
He’s the sort of man who’s ‘goodness’ reaches out and hits in you in the face. His energy was irresistible to me. We spent all our time together. Within 3 months we had fallen in love. Within 3 years we were married.
Just married, in fact. He proposed last February and we’d been busy scheduling an April wedding in Arizona and a July wedding in Seattle (don’t ask).
Two weeks before the AZ wedding I missed my period.
So here we go again.......more and more people keep showing up to my party.
I’m an only child and I do just fine by myself.
Exactly this time 7 years ago I found out I was pregnant. I was 23 going on 24, newly married and completely terrified. Our “little blessing” was not planned. We weren’t going to have children until we were in our 30’s. HA!
Everything sort of went to downhill after that, mostly details involving my husband’s morality and sobriety. It was somewhat hellish. We eventually divorced. I got on my own two wobbly feet and raised my daughter without aid of government assistance or that helpful little thing they call child support.
We were doing just fine…..by ourselves.
I hadn’t planned on anyone else in the picture. I was not sour on men and I refused to blame others for the mistakes of my ex but I grew up with a rotten step-father. I had so desperately tried to give my daughter a “normal” family, and when I failed at that I worried that her life would mirror mine.
We were doing just fine by ourselves… when Scott came along.
My daughter was 3 when I began dating, and those dates of mine were never allowed to meet her. I didn’t want to be the mom with all the boyfriends, no thanks. So when I met Scott, and determined within our first evening together that I would NEVER sleep with this man (for all the D-R-A-M-A in his life at the time) I deemed him a friend and thus he met my baby Maddy.
He’s the sort of man who’s ‘goodness’ reaches out and hits in you in the face. His energy was irresistible to me. We spent all our time together. Within 3 months we had fallen in love. Within 3 years we were married.
Just married, in fact. He proposed last February and we’d been busy scheduling an April wedding in Arizona and a July wedding in Seattle (don’t ask).
Two weeks before the AZ wedding I missed my period.
So here we go again.......more and more people keep showing up to my party.
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