All According to Plan

I heard the baby’s heartbeat today and I actually shed tears…….. tears of joy, of course. I didn't do that with bambino number one, 7 long years ago. I think the difference here is that I KNOW everything that’s coming with that heartbeat now.

Due to the previous cesarean section they won’t even let me attempt to deliver the old fashioned way……..how tragic.

I’d had a scheduled c-section with the first because she was breech. And she was breech because I honestly think she got too fat to turn around, she was nearly 9 lbs at delivery. So they scheduled me for surgery on Christmas Eve and I was actually disappointed that all my delivery and labor classes, and my gorgeous hospital birthing room, would be all for naught. I would miss out on labor. I would miss out on the “birthing experience” and I was sad about that.

Because I was a 24 year old IDIOT!

This time I’ll be having another scheduled c-section. No fuss, no muss, no hours of screaming agony, no episiotomy, no accidental labor pooping, no cord strangulation, no oblong shaped baby head, no after birth and a recovery period that involves lots of Vicodin.

And while they have me open on an operating table I’ve chosen to have a tubule litigation preformed, otherwise known as having your “tubes tied”. All children hereafter will come in furry dog or cat form.

Thus I proudly present to you MY MASTER PLAN to make it through life, having had two children, without ever knowing the pain of labor or obliterating my vagina.

Ha! Take that nature.