9 VIALS OF BLOOD

Back in ‘01…..back in the day….. I think it was 6 or 7 vials of blood they drew from you at the end of your first trimester. But they’ve since added a few tests, such as one for cystic fibrosis, so nine vials of blood it was. Plus an early test for gestational diabetes. I get to have that test twice this pregnancy, while most women have it done just once around 27 weeks or so. I get to be so lucky because my first child was so large. She still is. She’s not chubby, just ridiculously tall for her age. She will easily be a 6 ft tall woman. My husband happens to hail from the land of the giants as well (6"5), weighing in 10 lbs at birth. His mother told me she was absolutely terrified to have more children due to the pain involved in delivering him vaginally.

Did I mention that I am like a-o-freaking-kay with having another c-section?

In any case, when you’re having 9 vials of blood extracted from you and you’ve been instructed to eat very little that day, while having had to wait an hour after having drank a 6 oz. solution of glucose, and when the world starts to go black at about vial 5 let’s hope to god you have a nurse with a modicum of sensible bedside manner.

Because I didn’t have that nurse. I had two hopelessly retarded nurses who stared at me while I began to faint, with one of them commenting “Oh she’s not looking too good, Ha ha!”

They laughed.

And then the laughter died when they realized I wasn’t joining in. They asked if I was okay. I couldn’t even speak. If I could've I might have said "Of course I'm not f*cking okay! I don't have any BLOOD to be okay WITH!" My eyes were closed. I shook my head no. Then one said “Oh….did she drink the glucose stuff?” At which point they reclined my chair, placed an ice pack on the back of my neck and gave me a minute to come around.

I did come around, proceeded to grab my purse and leave without a word to either of them. Is it not very “grown-up” of me to have seriously wanted to punch these women in the face? Because I don’t know that I care.

Ultimately I don’t have gestational diabetes or any other pregnancy related ailment to speak of……other than the fact that my boobs do not seem to be keeping up with the growth rate of my ass.